


before I drown

by agcrazy



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Rape, Niall mentioned in passing, a conspicuous lack of the others
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-06
Updated: 2013-05-06
Packaged: 2017-12-10 14:20:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/787021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agcrazy/pseuds/agcrazy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Louis only stares mutely, the rider sort of sighs (if the movement of his shoulders is anything to go by) and takes off his helmet. Louis finds himself being pierced to the spot by a pair of sharp tawny eyes and for a split second, there is a flash of fear lancing up his spine. Louis can't help it and hates himself for getting to the point where he fears all beautiful creatures and yeah, this man in front of him looks like a fucking <i>angel</i>. A fallen angel with his jet black hair, slashing cheekbones and harsh jaw. And those <i>eyes<i>. Louis takes a step back, and he doesn't know if it really is all that involuntary.</i></i></p>
<p> </p>
<p>or the one where Louis has a dark past and is running from home and Zayn picks him up and fixes him. sort of.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	before I drown

**Author's Note:**

> so, hi :)
> 
> this was supposed to be a road trip fic, but it became less about the trip and more about Louis' feelings. I am slightly miffed, I still wanna write a road trip fic, but I am kind of happy with this? even though it's all sorts of messy and weird probably.
> 
> I really hope you guys like it, and really sorry for the complete lack of the other three. I don't know why they never came up :/

_You caught me on the way down_

_Please hold my hand before I drown_

_Tie my hands before I burn this town_

_You caught me on the way down_

_\- Down by Anberlin_

Louis meets Zayn at a time when everything in his life is going wrong. And it's with a shoulder full of burden, a heart full of sorrow that he is running away from the place he called home, when he sees the black bike zoom past. He doesn't pay attention to it because it's just another vehicle passing by that won't stop for him as he walks on with the rucksack hung over his shoulder. He has been at it for nearly four hours now and he thinks he still isn't far away enough. No one has stopped to give him a life and he gave up trying an hour ago. There are blisters on his feet, he is sure, but he still doesn't break down and just _cry_ because none of his troubles are nowhere near as important, as painful as the haunting memories of his sisters' betrayed eyes when he told them of his plan so many nights ago and if he hasn't cried about _that_ yet, he sure as hell isn't going to start now about _this_.

Hence, he startles a bit when the motorbike comes back round and halts with a shrill screech beside him. Maybe the man on the bike says something but Louis doesn't register - he's still a little dazed and a whole lot tired. But Louis shakes himself out of it to focus on the man before him and the man is saying _he shouldn't be out this late, does he need a ride_ but the only thing Louis can think of is that he should take off the helmet because his voice sounds wonderful, just annoyingly muffled.

When Louis only stares mutely, the rider sort of sighs (if the movement of his shoulders is anything to go by) and takes off his helmet. Louis finds himself being pierced to the spot by a pair of sharp tawny eyes and for a split second, there is a flash of fear lancing up his spine. Louis can't help it and hates himself for getting to the point where he fears all beautiful creatures and _yeah_ , this man in front of him looks like a fucking _angel_. A fallen angel with his jet black hair, slashing cheekbones and harsh jaw. And those _eyes_. Louis takes a step back, and he doesn't know if it really is all that involuntary.

But the man is smiling kindly at him, soothingly like how you might for a crying child lost from home, and Louis nearly screams at himself to _stop, STOP looking for evil in that smile_. He doesn't know when he became so filled paranoia (no, he does know, he just doesn't like to acknowledge it).

"Do you need a ride to somewhere?" the man asks again and yes, his voice _is_ melodious and it calms Louis down. Louis finds himself nodding before even realising that he has no destination in mind. Just a need to _run, run, get away_. He then quickly shakes his head.

The stranger's smile turns amused but there is a sort of _understanding_ in his expression, maybe a little sympathy underlining it all. He doesn't push Louis for answers, simply says, "Why don't you hop on first. We'll figure out what to do with you later."

And that sentence right there, it straight away sparks a knee-jerk response of utter fear. The familiarity of the phrase ringing in his ears as it roots him to the spot but _no, this is not **him**_ , and Louis forces himself to slowly dispel the fear gripping him. It's almost a physical thing, the way he has to reach inside, take hold and throw it away.

"What's your name?" are the first words out of Louis' mouth and the man seems taken aback at Louis' question.

He replies softly, "Zayn. Zayn Malik," in a low drawl and the name washes over Louis like an anthem in the wind. "You?" Zayn asks back.

Louis doesn't answer because _not yet_ but simply clambers onto the bike behind Zayn and looks expectantly at him. Zayn shakes his head as if he can't quite believe his luck (and Louis would be sorry if he could) before wearing the helmet again and turning to face the front.

Zayn's voice is muffled once more as he calls over his shoulder, "Hold on tight." Louis reaches out his hands to rest them lightly on Zayn's waist but Zayn jerks the motorbike forward, making Louis let out a squeak and gripping Zayn's sides tight enough to bruise; because _fuck_ , he had forgotten about how bikes scare the living daylights out of him and _seriously_ , couldn't Zayn have given him a better warning before flying them through the night, across the roads? He digs his fingers in even more tightly (because he's vindictive that way), and yet he swears he can hear Zayn's laughter floating off in the air.

xx

The next thing Louis knows is that he is waking up and okay, he doesn't even remember falling asleep. At first, he is just half-awake, basking in that warmth and feeling of safety gotten only after a good night's rest. Louis can't remember the last time he felt so refreshed and _secure_ and that jerks him into full consciousness. His eyes pop open and he realised that he is very much plastered to the man's - _Zayn_ \- back with his arms wrapped fully around him, his cheek pressed tightly to his back and _god, is that drool_?

Louis feels his face flush, red and warm and he scrambles back to put whatever little distance possible between them. Zayn turns back slightly to look at him and Louis can see that soft smile there again, contrasting with the glare of light on Zayn. He then realises that the sun is perched high in the sky a d that they must have been driving all night (and okay, yeah he feels a little sorry for Zayn at that). Logos looks at the English countryside flashing past humans he doesn't know where they are. It must have been at least six or seven hours and they can anywhere in England by now.

"Where are we going?" Louis shouts over the gushing sound.

Zayn doesn't reply, nor is there any indication that has even heard him and Louis scoffs, rolling his eyes all at the same time. If it wasn't such a hazard for his life, he probably would have pried off his fingers from Zayn's jacket and folded his arms too. Louis, ironically enough, doesn't like being ignored.

It is another half hour later that they ride into a small town. Louis is back in his shell, the haunted house that is his mind - full of memories - and so he doesn't realise when Zayn parks the bike in front if a motel and turns the ignition off. It is only when Zayn is sliding off that he jumps slightly and quickly lets go of Zayn's jacket.

Zayn takes off his helmet and Louis is once again struck by his sheer beauty. He feels insecure for a second before the familiar fear creeps in and Louis honestly hates himself sometimes. If it had only been a year ago, he would be joking around and being touchy-feely just to get a rise out of someone so pretty. But Louis doesn't feel like _Louis_ anymore and that is that.

Zayn doesn't bother with words buy simply turns around and walks towards the entrance. He has already walked a few steps ahead when he looks over his shoulder and throws Louis a _well, aren't you coming_ look that has sliding off the bike and scrambling off after him.

Louis doesn't ask for explanation or answers and Zayn doesn't offer any when he only gets them a single room. It could have been that there is only that room left or that Zayn can't afford two rooms and it doesn't really matter. Not really. Except that Zayn's muteness regarding it makes Louis think he's making a statement, a _challenge_ , that it's up to Louis if he wants to stay under these circumstances or not.

Louis stays. It's not like he even knows where they are.

Zayn still doesn't say anything when they enter the room and it's starting to prickle Louis' already frazzled nerves. He tries to ignore it by taking in the room and he is surprised to see how well-kept and clean it is. It's a little dark and dank though and there's a small toilet and a small bedside table and, _oh_. A single bed. His eyes jerk to where Zayn was standing a few seconds ago and whatever he wanted to say (protests and scathing remarks, really) dies in his throat.

Zayn has taken off his jacket and the t-shirt is stretching tight across his chest and the tattoos inking up his right arm are visible. Louis can't help but admit they suit him, the while badass vibe and is a little relieved that the tattoos break the illusion of clean-cut, golden pretty. Louis has had too much of that in the past few months to last him a lifetime and more. And strange as it seems, the blatantly _dangerous_ look on this beautiful stranger makes Louis relax because he _knows_ it's always the subtle ones who look too perfect, too angelic, that turn out to be more cruel and Louis thinks. Louis thinks _yeah_ , he can deal with Zayn.

He doesn't really know why though. It's not like picking someone off the road, giving said person silent treatments and mysterious smiles scream _safe_ or even leave a good impression.

But.

But there is an underlying kindness to him that even Louis' paranoia cannot twist into a morbid _something_.

Zayn is regarding Louis with a placid expression except for the single quirked eyebrow and Louis doesn't know what the question is. They both stare at each other, simply checking the other out. Once he gets a good look at Zayn, Louis realises that he can't be that much older than himself, maybe even the same age - that it was only because of the streetlights and Louis' sleep-deprived mind that he had registered Zayn to be much older than him last night. Or maybe it's the way he is so calm all the damn time.

"I'm Louis," he finally offers and Zayn flashes him all too quick a smile, as though he is _proud_ of Louis and really, Louis isn't out to please anyone, _okay_. But he can't help feel a little light-headed anyway.

"I'm pretty knackered from all the driving.’M gonna sleep. You can join me if you want." And with that Zayn takes off his shoes and flops rather unceremoniously onto the bed, still wearing his shirt and skinny jeans. Louis is not sure what he expected - Zayn to open and spill all his secrets, tell him his life story? Not really, bur he also didn't expect to get so completely disregarded. It leaves him feeling a little disoriented even though it's not like he wants Zayn's attention, _no_.

As Louis reaches into his bag for a change of clothes, he realised that Zayn didn't bring any bag with him. He looks at the already sleeping form on the bed and fervently hopes he isn't going to wear the same thing for three-four day or - _wait._ Louis shakes his head and smacks himself because why is he even thinking spending days _beyond today_ with this guy?

He groans and quietly changes in the toilet - not sleepwear of course, who knows when he'll have to bolt again - before carefully laying down beside Zayn without touching him. A quarter of his arse is hanging off the bed but well, the couch is too hard (he checked). Now that he thinks about it, _this_ isn't that much better, considering the heat Zayn is giving off and Louis is really cold and he wants to snuggle close (just for heat, honestly!), but _no_. _Just no_.

xx

He doesn't know when he falls asleep, but he knows he's awake when he finds himself whimpering and shaking, but wrapped in someone's arms. It takes him a moment to realise that Zayn is holding on to him, rocking him back and forth, because he always wakes up from his nightmares _alone_. He tries to push Zayn off. Louis hates looking weak, and he hates relying, but Zayn only tightens his arms that much more. It's when Louis' heart-wrenching sobs finally subside into soft sniffles that Zayn slowly lets him go and sits back. He doesn't ask anything or push for any explanation and this time, it's Louis who remains silent - a proud tilt to his chin, a glare beneath the watery blue eyes and challenge in his very stance.

"Do you wanna leave yet or rest some more?" Zayn asks softly. A part of Louis hates the way he sounds so genuinely _caring_ , and the other part feels utterly flummoxed by it, by _him_.

"I - uh. Where are we going?" and Louis winces on the _we_ he lets slip.

"Well, unless you know where you want to go, in which case I'll drop you off, I am actually heading towards Glasgow - "

"Scotland? Why? Are you running from the police or someth - "

"Louis." His name uttered in that quiet way, with a tone of warning, cuts Louis off. "I have been taking this trip every year since I was sixteen. So no, not a police thing."

"Oh, um. Okay." Louis doesn't know what else to say, and he will bite off his tongue be actually giving in to his curiosity and asking Zayn _why_.

"So...?"

"Right, yeah. Where are we now?"

"Warwick."

Louis lets out an involuntary squeak. He didn't realise they had travelled so far in just a night. He looks at Zayn consideringly. The thing is, he had left Doncaster in a hurry, without giving much thought to _where_ he is going, but simply that he needed to get away. Now looking at Zayn and having heard his plans, Louis figures it can't get better than this - than leaving the country altogether.

"I'll go with you."

"I guessed as much," Zayn replies with a smirk. "Now, I need to stop over at a friend's place to get my car and clothes. Do you want to wait here or come with me?"

Louis doesn't ask why he has a car _and_ a bike, why he hasn't been travelling in the car in the first place. He figures it's not his place to ask, just like how Zayn doesn't ask him _whys_ , and if Zayn wants to tell him, he will.

"I'll go with you," he repeats, afraid of being left alone in an unknown place, afraid Zayn won't actually come back for him. Zayn gives him a measured look, as though he knows exactly what Louis is thinking and it makes Louis duck his head. "What, if you are going Glasgow, isn't this the different direction?" he quickly asks to avoid any further embarrassment.

"Yeah, well, my car was here so. I don't like using my bike if there's someone else with me."

Louis gapes, unsure if he's supposed to _apologise_ , but Zayn is already smiling at him, all slow and _happy_ and well. Louis just nods mutely.

It's a flurry of activities from then on and it leaves Louis a little flustered. It's not so much that Zayn sheds his cool, laid-back persona but there is this undercurrent to him now and flashes of excited smiles as he quickly ushers Louis to the bike and literally (okay, not really) flies across the countryside to get to his friend's place. It makes Louis a little breathless as though if he touched Zayn he would get electrocuted; and so he carefully grips Zayn's jacket, making sure to not touch him in any way. But he can't help the way his thighs press against Zayn's and if that makes him feel a little too warm, then he can't help that either.

xx

It startles Louis sometimes how easily they have fallen into a routine.

After receiving Zayn's Thunderbird and overnight bad from that friend, they have pretty much been travelling non-stop for the past five days. They drive for as long as they can everyday before stopping to have lunch and then drive again until dinner. Despite Louis offering to pay his own way, and it's not like he has a lot of money saved up, Zayn keeps refusing and paying for him instead. For the first few times, Louis expected Zayn to demand a repayment of some shady sort but it never happened and the suspicious lad eventually relaxed. He still doesn't get why Zayn is doing thus for him- not just the food but bringing him along to wherever he's going and Louis doesn't ask. As usual. But they do talk more now though, just not about this.

When they skip over breakfast, and one of their stomachs grumbles, they laugh sheepishly and talk about their favourite foods. When the sun shines too bright once in a while and Louis can't stop staring at the way it reflects off if Zayn's cheekbones, he blushes and Zayn blushes and they talk about the people they have had crushes on before and laugh it all away. When evenings roll around and the stars come out to stud the night sky, Zayn stops the car and they watch the stars till the visions blur. They don't talk then, because the companionable silence speaks volumes.

But the thing is, Louis didn't just spontaneously start talking more. He was cautious at first and it took him a while to reply every time Zayn spoke. He looked for hidden meanings and stared at the hazel eyes of the boy beside him for a bit too long before saying anything. But by the third day, Louis talked a lot more and he stopped eyeing Zayn warily. He cursed a lot more, and laughed a lot more and somehow it made Zayn smile with his eyes and Louis just kept doing it until it feels like this is how it has always been.

However, it's actually not _always_ like that. There are still times, like now, when Louis can't stop thinking about what he has done, why he is even here, and how he doesn't deserve the sliver of happiness he is starting to feel around Zayn. Louis is quiet and brooding and he wonders when he became like that, if there was a specific turning point. He was always one to complain and moan and generally be an annoying twat when things didn't go his way, even seemingly serious things and now he feels so different; but still none of those times could even compare to what he is going through now and he doesn't see how complaining would help when all of this is his doing anyway.

And so he sits with his head tipped back, silent and eyes closed. Zayn seems to understand his need for...Louis isn't sure _what_ the need is, maybe to just let him sulk on his own because Zayn doesn't bother to start up a conversation with Louis as he drives. Louis is only just starting to think the cool night air is calming when the first fat drop of rain splatters on a closed eyelid. Before he knows it, Zayn is quickly pulling up the hood of the car and a steady shower drowns out any other noise around them.

"Guess we'll have to check into a motel this time," Zayn says ruefully and Louis understands his dismay.

There is something about sleeping under the stars that Louis has taken to very quickly. For the past five days, they left the hood down and took turns to sleep on the backseat while the other would cramp out in the front. He likes that Zayn never insists on making him take the more comfortable backseat every time and that he treats Louis like a mate more than anything else. He doesn't get pity or looked at like a fragile porcelain piece and he is secretly grateful to Zayn for that. That he is making the while situation feel so _normal_ , when it is anything but.

(Because every night he still wakes up in the middle, sometimes screaming and sometimes sobbing; and Zayn is always there to hold him tight, to calm him down and tuck him back to sleep. Always without a single word uttered, a single question asked and really, the situation is not normal at all. Louis wonders if this is what it's like to have a _true_ friend.)

He realises that he hasn't replied to Zayn yet and that he is looking at him expectantly with those startlingly huge eyes.

"Yeah, yeah sure," he mumbles (because it's not like it's up to him, _not really_ ), and settles in more comfortably to listen to the soothing thrum of rain pounding on the roof of the car.

The rhythmic drum mixing with the steady lull of a moving car has Louis falling into a dreamless sleep. With the past week's restless nights, his body finally crashes and when he wakes, it's by feeling disoriented because it has been some time since a nightmare _hasn't_ marred any kind of rest. When he comes to, he finds that the car has stopped moving and Zayn is watching him and well, _that_ is slightly creepy. Louis gives him a quizzical look which he returns with a blinding smile. Louis _gapes_ , almost not registering any of what Zayn is saying.

"We have been sitting here for nearly half an hour. I didn't want to wake you because, you know, you haven't been sleeping well. But we really should go in before all the rooms are taken up."

And Louis can't even find it in himself to be pissed off that Zayn is making him look weak. The casual way he says it, like it's no big deal, like it's something natural to do for a friend - to look out for him, to _know_ what he needs - makes Louis squint his eyes to stave off the unexpected well of tears. Zayn doesn't notice, _thank god_ , and gives him a small smile before turning to open the door.

"Wait! I, uh. Just that. Um, thank you," Louis stutters out. He doesn't even remember the last time he said those words, doesn't remember the last time someone deserved them. But Zayn _does_. "Just for everything - the past six days, I really just. Just, _thank_ you."

Zayn friend as if he's trying to figure out the answer to a complex math equation. "I would have done it for anyone," he says but the frown remains etched between his eyebrows and Louis wonders if he really would have. "Come on now, let’s go inside and warm up."

Louis nods and follows Zayn out, shivering against the howling wind and raindrops pelting on his skin as he runs the short distance from the car to the motel.

xx

They have already settled in for the night, again in just one room for the both of them, when Zayn announces he needs a smoke and walks out. Louis finds himself stretched halfway out in an aborted attempt to call him back. He doesn't know if Zayn thinks Louis minds him smoking in front of him because he always leaves Louis alone when he takes these little breaks, and Louis really just wishes to tell him to stay. That he doesn't mind, that even though it's only been a week, he misses even the silent company of Zayn, when he's not around. But he doesn't say any of that of course - not then, not now - because a part of him thinks it's Zayn's way of taking a break from _him_ and that's just. That's just something Louis doesn't need confirmed, what with the way he feels a little twinge in his chest every time he thinks about it.

He is walking aimlessly around the room when he spots Zayn's cell on the small table. His breath hitches because Louis had purposely thrown his own phone away before running off and it's a tangible ache in his heart that he hasn't talked to any of his sisters in all this time. It's almost subconscious, as though he has no control over his body anymore, when he reaches for the phone.

He stares blindly at it, clutching it so tightly that there is a nagging voice in his head to not break it (but the voice is easy to ignore above the rush of white noise that's like crashing waves) and Louis just _might_ be having a panic attack.

The blue-eyed boy doesn't even know if his sisters are okay or if they miss home, if they miss _him_ and _wow_ , maybe they don't actually miss him at all but hate him instead for putting them through all of this. Yeah, sure, he brought them out of hell but now they have no home, and he is not with them and _what if_ all that they are running from has caught up to them already, what if _he_ has found them and Louis is not there to help anymore. To stop it. And fuck it _all_ , he needs - he needs to go back, he needs -

Louis doesn't realise he is quite nearly dry-heaving until there is a steadying hand on his shoulder and he screams as he whips around.

His eyes are frantic, expression scared and vulnerable, until he recognises that it's Zayn and the calm of his brandy eyes are seeping into him. It's as if a _lifeline_ has been thrown to him in the middle of all this mindless blackness surrounding his senses. Louis probably shouldn't trust a stranger (is Zayn really that anymore?) so much but he is already flinging himself onto Zayn, the phone still clutched in one hand as he throws both over Zayn's shoulders. He burrows his head in Zayn's neck and for once, is glad that he is small, that he can feel safe and protected like this.

Zayn picks the phone out of Louis' hand slowly as though he is a frightened, cornered animal Zayn is trying to soothe and Louis realises that all this while - the past ten minutes or so - Zayn's arms have been locked around his waist as tight as Louis' have been around Zayn's neck. His heart stutters a little at that, a little tumbling trip that leaves him giddy amidst the mess of a heartache.

Louis doesn't what it is about that gesture, or maybe it's the past week of silent support Zayn has been giving him or maybe Louis just can't keep it in anymore, that makes him verbally vomit on Zayn next.

"I - fuck - I ran away from home. As you might have realised," he says, and suppresses the urge to roll his eyes at his own awkwardness. "It's a pretty fucking long story but - _jesus_ \- I have held it in for so long and just to say even _this_ feels good. And okay, well it started two years ago when I was nearly eighteen and mom got a b-boyfriend. It had been a long time since she had dated anyone, see, and that's why everyone was happy for her. I - _I_ was happy got her because it seemed that John - yeah, what a deceptively nice and normal name huh? Yeah, so, John seemed to make her happy and voila, within six months they were m-married," Louis sniffles a bit and the sadness doesn't diminish the anger at all. His eyes are welling as memories come rushing back, and he belatedly flushes in embarrassment. He dares a peek at Zayn through his lashes but Louis doesn't see any judgement, just a careful, oddly sincere gaze.

"But then things started getting bad within a month after the wedding. Which was difficult to comprehend because he was so fucking good-looking, like that kind where you just can't imagine the person being an utter asshole. He was still very n-nice to my mom but when she did something _he_ deemed wrong, he would punish her by punishing _us_. And of course, we go punished for our own mistakes too. Like drinking straight from the milk carton warranted me and even Fizz - she’s not even a _teenager_ , god - to kneel on the porch for two hours. Fucking hell, I can never get that image out of my head, Fizz looking so small and _sad_ because mom wouldn't do anything. Lottie and I liked to think she didn't know what to do. But maybe she really _was_ scared. Scared for her-herself. But the thing is, we still couldn't hate her. She still loved us. Be-because after any one of the punishments, she would come tend to us with ointments and bandages at night when John would be sleeping. And then," Louis draws in a shaky breath, as his chest constricts painfully, "Mom got sick."

"Oh, Louis," Zayn murmurs, _his_ voice sounding impossibly wrecked and pained.

Louis shakes his hear at him, and continues, "I think after seven or eight months of all that finally got to her and she became withdrawn. Hollow. Nothing like the loving mom who would break out into dances whenever Springsteen came on the radio. She was diagnosed _clinically depressed,_ like that meant fuck all. The doctors couldn't figure out why and we couldn't tell them even if we knew. I guess we were all cowards too."

Louis lets out a self-depreciating laugh and he sounds so hoarse, like glasses were embedded in his throat. Zayn's arm tightens around him. Louis hopes it a _no, you're not_ reassurance even though he knows - he _knows_ that _yes_ , he actually is.

So he closes his eyes and says, "And then John found out I was gay. Well, not so much 'found out' because I wasn't hiding it but I never explicitly talked about it either. He was fu-furious. At least that's what it seemed like at first? There were jabs and insults and name-calling. Sometimes I even forgot what my name really was and not just _faggot_. But then I guess he wasn't really angry but more of a closet gay himself. Or just a plain old pervert, who knows. Because one afternoon, when the girls were at school and mom was at her doctor's, he...he raped me. God, I thought it would be so much more difficult to vocalize that, but now I just feel so disconnected, like a scar I don't know how I got. But still, I always wonder what would have happened if I hadn't been home that afternoon, if I hadn't taken the year off to stay home and take care of the girls. Because mom couldn't and John wouldn't.

"But then I think, it might have been Lottie instead and I'm _glad_ it was me. But anyway, mom came home at the last minute, and John. The sick bastard, he looked right at her and he...he came inside me like that. I tried to fight him off, before and then when mom stood there looking like she saw a ghost. But well, that's not how it ever happens right? Mom took off, ran to her room upstairs and locked it. John, he didn't even bother, but I was there - banging on her door to let me in, to let me explain as though _I_ was the guilty one when really, I was the victim," Louis sighs, leaving the _but I had become so used to taking all the burden and the blame_ unsaid and hoping Zayn gets it still. "I always wonder if mom knew I was the victim or not and I guess it doesn't really matter because the next thing I knew was that my mom had overdosed on sleeping pills. No, stop, don't look at me like that. Fuck, I don't want pity, Zayn. The five hours I sat outside her door was enough time for her to kill herself. Is this what one calls a tragedy?"

He knows he is being unnecessarily snarky, and a cad but it's a little justified. _A lot_ justified. Zayn rubs soothing circles near the small of his Bach and Louis realises that somewhere along the way they had made it to the bed and Louis is lying on Zayn's chest, in his arms. And it should feel odd, except it's not - it's oddly _intimate_.

"But you know that isn't a tragedy at all. Because soon after the funeral, we found out that John had managed to sign over everything to his name. We were somewhat rich I guess, my mom's dad was a huge business man and left everything to her and us when he died but John had somehow not only got mom's share of wealth but ours too - me, Lottie, Fizz and the twins. After _that_ , after having to _service_ him every night the first few times, I refused.

"It's like I didn't have anything left, what could he take away anymore if I stopped. So I got a job, a night job at this club because if I wasn't there during the nights then he couldn't force me and he would be at work during the day. So. But as it turned out, there _were_ things he could still take away from me. It was near Christmas," Louis pauses and doesn't bring up the fact that it was nearing his birthday too, "And I came from work around dawn. Usually, everyone would be sleeping by then, or Lottie would have fallen asleep on the kitchen table waiting up for me with food, but. But thus time it wasn't deathly quiet, and there wasn't any blonde head on the table. Instead I found Fizz sobbing on the sofa and the twins sitting in a corner looking utterly terrified."

Louis sighs and says, "You know...you know sometimes you get a sense of dread and it's so absolute and overwhelming and you feel like you're choking? Yeah, yeah that was how I felt when I came home to that, and more so even at the lack of Lottie. I had only just stepped in when Fizz rushed to me and sobbed out that John had locked himself in with Lottie in his room, claiming that he would take from Lottie what I refus - "

Louis breaks off when he hears Zayn suck in a sharp breath. Louis bites back a sob, remembering how his blood had turned to ice when Fizz had stuttered that out, remembering how his entire body had been shaking. He vaguely wonders now if Zayn minds that he is getting his shirt wet with the tears he can't suppress anymore.

"I found myself back at that same position - kneeling when my legs gave out, banging on the door to open up, saying that I'll do what he wants, _pleading_ to let Lottie go. But the door never opened. Not until the morning when John came out looking smug and dressed for work. I was still knocking and I don't remember being tired because that's how terrified I was. He left without a backward glance and I rushed in and. _Fuck_ \- I don't I've ever felt that much relied in my entire goddamn life when I saw Lottie on the floor sleeping, seemingly unharmed other than the dried tear streaks on her cheeks. Later she told me he didn't do anything, just wanted to warm me that the next time I refuse, he _will_. And after that, I didn't go for work, waited for John in his room like his personal little _bitch_ ," Louis says viciously, so much self-loathing tainting his voice that even Zayn, with his ever constant support and calmness, flinches beneath him.

Zayn makes a noise of protest and has Louis finally looking up to meet his kind golden eyes properly.

Zayn's voice is rough, and it shakes even though it's so honest when he says, "Don't say that. _Don't_. You're not his bitch, you're perfect. There's nothing to be ashamed of. You were only protecting your sister. You're so brave, so, _so_ brave for sacrificing yourself like that." Zayn's voice gets steadily stronger and full of conviction by the time he finishes talking and his eyes are now blazing with anger towards John, pride for Louis and something else the brunette can't quite identify. He smiles gratefully at Zayn, a little disbelieving but grateful nonetheless.

"Not really. But. I - I quit my job and got another during the day at the local pharmacy. And every night I would...he would. Yeah, every night. It continued for about four months before I finally snapped. I don't why or what caused it - maybe it was how John got rougher or maybe it was the way he started staring at Lottie as well - but I just couldn't take it anymore. I told the girls of my plan when John was out and shit - they looked so fucking hurt and _lost_. And the twins, oh lord, they looked _betrayed_ like I was leaving them alone, just like how mom had. Because I planned to send them all to various relatives.

"Even then, there were so many problems," Louis adds quietly, shuddering slightly as if he's reliving those days all over again, "I couldn't send them off immediately because since they married, John had been slowly barring us from interacting with relatives until we didn't talk to them at all. My relatives were angry and shocked when I called them and they asked if we were done beings snobs before I could even say anything, much less explain. And - and it's not I even blame them, you know? But I eventually told them. Not all, didn't trust most of them anyway. I called up three distant relatives because John would suspect the closer ones. And thankfully all three agreed once I actually told them the whole thing. Well, not really, not my part. Just. Just everything else. I honestly didn't think I would ever tell anyone that, or even be _able_ to...until now. Until you, I guess."

Louis wonders when his life became such a cliché. He sees Zayn smile a little, a soft encouraging smile that Louis tucks away to replay over and over again in his head later.

"But anyway, they agreed and promised not to tell anyone anything. I had to separate the four of them because if they all turned up in one household, it would be so much more suspicious and easier for John to hear from someone. It was - _is_ \- safer to separate them, but it still doesn't make me feel any less guilty for tearing us all apart. And I bought their train tickets with money I had saved up. And, and Lottie dropped the twins off on her way because I very well couldn't send two toddlers off on their own, while Fizz went in a completely different direction. But between all that planning and sending them off, I guess I forgot about me. And by then, John was due back soon so I just packed my stuff and left. I couldn't take the train because that's the first place he would look and what if no trains left before that. So I walked and then you found and here we are and - “

Louis sucks in a sharp breath in because he remembers suddenly why they are even talking about this, he remembers Zayn’s phone and he remembers his fears. He doesn’t realize he is starting to hyperventilate again, his hands clenching in Zayn’s shirt until Zayn whispers, “Shhh, shh, babe. Louis, it’s alright. Breathe, just breathe.”

And his soothing voice somehow breaks through to Louis, breaks through the dark haze shrouding him all over, and he drags in a calming breath - or tries to - and breathes out slowly. Zayn’s hands which are rubbing his back in long strokes help and his body relaxes again.

“Zayn - shit, fuck - what if John found them already? What if they want to contact me but can’t? Because I threw my phone away so that he can’t track me. What if they are crying out for help? I don’t even know if they reached their destinations safely. What if something happened to the twins, what they got separated, or what if one of them is lost. I don’t know - I don-don’t know!” Louis is nearly sobbing, evidently not having calmed down actually because yeah, no, he is not hyperventilating but he sounds far too broken and Zayn’s heart is breaking.

“No, Louis, no. They are fine. They are. You know why? Because you are amazing and you planned this so well. The best you could and they are alright. You _have_ to believe that or else you might end up doing something rash and stupid and John might find out. You don’t want that right? Your sisters won’t want that. Louis, look at me please,” and Louis looks up at Zayn, tears falling unheeded. Zayn wipes his cheeks and cupping his face, says, “I don’t want anything happening to you, okay? So you’re going to calm down and we’re going to call all three of your relatives and check up on your sisters. I’ll be right here, with you, through every single step, yeah?”

Louis nods, his face still in Zayn’s hands. It makes him feel protected, the way Zayn’s hands are warm and Zayn’s body so solid beneath him. But the best part is how he sees nothing but sincerity in Zayn’s eyes. Louis forgets that he has only known Zayn for about a week, he forgets it because time doesn’t matter to the heart and his heart tells him that _yeah, mate, you finally found home_.

xx

The next morning finds Louis cradled in Zayn’s arms and he realizes that for the first in months he has had a full night’s sleep - untainted and undisturbed.

It’s still raining outside when Louis drifts to full consciousness and it’s a little chilly, so he nuzzles further into Zayn, breathing in his scent deeply. A smile lights his face as he recalls the previous night. After his tale, Zayn had handed over his phone and Louis had called them up. He had broken down into tears every time he heard one of his sisters’ voice but Zayn had been there, had held his hand all through out. Lottie and Fizz don’t hate him and even though the twins are still a little confused, they are fine. They are happy. All of them haven even been admitted to new schools and Louis thinks that it is finally, _finally_ , getting better now.

The blue-eyed boy tilts his head up to look at Zayn's face and his smile widens. Zayn looks so peaceful as he sleeps and there's a small smile on his lips too, just a sweet curl-up of the corners and Louis has the strangest urge to _squeal_. Louis doesn't know if he can ever repay Zayn but a part of him thinks Zayn wouldn't even want repayment and _oh_. It makes his heart thud that he actually knows Zayn that much to know how he would react if Louis ever spoke of repayments and what not. It's a little thrilling to finally have such a bond with someone and he has to actually bite his lip to keep the squeal from spilling out.

Zayn stirs beneath him, his arm around Louis tightening subconsciously and then loosening with a sigh - as if to check if he is still there and content that _yes_ , he is. Louis quickly shuts his eyes and pretends to be asleep when Zayn's eyes start to flutter open. Louis doesn't know if Zayn buys his act and it's only because Zayn just dropped a tender kiss on his forehead that he _does_ want to know now. Because now Louis can't stop thinking if Zayn did because he thought he was asleep or if it was because he knew Louis wasn't and was trying to hint at something.

But it doesn't really matter (well, it does, but) after a few minutes or pretending to be asleep and Zayn showing no indication moving, Louis actually falls asleep.

He is woken up an hour later by Zayn's hand carding through his hair and his morning voice breathing out Louis' name. He blinks blearily as Zayn informs that they'll leave soon because the rain is finally letting up. They have breakfast silently at the diner below because neither feels the need to talk when the simple _presence_ of each other is more than enough.

As they climb into Zayn's car, Louis suddenly realised that Zayn once again paid for all his food and accommodation. He frowns. When they have hit the highway, Louis turns to Zayn and asks, "Why do you keep paying for me? I can pay for myself."

Zayn looks at him for a second before answering, "Because I figured whatever money you have, you should keep it for the trip back if - when you decide to leave."

Louis starts a little because he honestly forgot that they will eventually part and his chest feels a little heavy that Zayn changed the 'if' to a 'when'. But it's true, isn't it and he can't really blame Zayn.

"I guess..."

Zayn coughs a bit before slowly asking, "Louis...uh, you know, why didn't you shift to another town with your sisters? Go somewhere no one knew you guys."

"Well. I didn't have enough money to get tickets for all of us _and_ get a new place even it is to just rent. And then there's their schooling. I wouldn't have been able to afford their books and all, so. I...I couldn't make them suffer with me just be because I was too selfish to let go."

Zayn hums non-commitally before saying, eyes locked on the road ahead, "Am I horrible for being glad that you did what you did?"

Louis recognises the _otherwise we wouldn't have met_ that Zayn isn't saying and it makes him slightly dizzy, heart swelling.

"If so, then I am too," Louis whispers.

He sees Zayn's lips tilt up in that sweet smile he has come to love from the corner of his eyes and yeah, Zayn understood his _I'm glad we met too_.

xx

It's easier after that - easier to fall comfortably into each other. There is no rush now, no underlying panic and it's easier to just relax and enjoy. And when Louis thinks _easier_ , he realises that it's because it has always been easy. There is something serene about the quietness Zayn maintains and it brings Louis down to earth.

And it's not like Zayn doesn't get loud or mischievous because he does and Louis finds that they both have a penchant for stirring up trouble. After Louis internalises that he really is free, he reverts back to his original self. Too loud, too obnoxious, too manic, too _smiling_ and Louis wonders if _this_ him will drive Zayn away when the morose shell he was before didn't, couldn't. But his doubts are laid to rest because every time Louis makes a stupid face, Zayn looks so terribly fond and endeared that Louis feels like the time he got three gold stars in a spelling test when he was six.

So it is with heart full of laughter and eyes full of delight now that they run amok over every place they stop at. Sometimes pretending to be a couple on honeymoon to get free drinks at pubs (and they can't stop giggling into each other's necks all night) and sometimes shouting at the unsuspecting man using the public toilet before running away (and they can't _breathe_ when said man comes running out with his fly open and looking hilariously scared).

But then they still have their quiet moments. When Louis remembers all that has happened and where he finally is now and where he can go from here on, it's a sombre Louis that Zayn faces. Louis is grateful that Zayn still doesn't press for answers or offer the proverbial penny but that he simply holds Louis' hand, sandwiched between his own and the gear stick.

Like now.

The thing is, Louis' mind just about races a mile a minute naturally and most of the time he is quite adept at keeping up but sometimes, even he gets too much for himself and he just wants to sass himself out. Except that he can't, because hey, he is crazy but not _that_ crazy. And so he simply retreats into himself and feels the wind rush by, rush through his feathery hair. He has his head resting against the car door where the window is rolled down and he has the most inexplicable urge to stick out his tongue to find out what it possibly feels like for a dog. Of course, he doesn't do it. Not at all, because as much as Zayn is letting him be, Louis also catches a fond smile or two straying his way from the raven-haired boy.

_Man_.

_Boy_.

And okay, Louis still doesn't know whether Zayn's older than him or what. It's really difficult to tell what the whole zen thing Zayn has wrapped around himself in _swathes_ that surely he must a human-Yoda or something.

"How old are you?" Louis asks, tilting such that he can see his face. The sun's almost drowned out, and it's a little too dark to see Zayn clearly but Louis can still make out the gleaming man-cat eyes.

"18," is all he says and _oh yeah_ , that's another thing about Zayn - he rarely says more than what he deems necessary and it's not just because Louis used to be so non-vocal himself like he initially thought. Louis has yet to figure out the patterns and reasons.

"Oh," Louis pauses, "Thought you were older, like much older the first time I saw you on the bike."

"You were half delirious from lack of sleep that night, mate."

"Yeah...yeah, I guess. I never quite thanked you properly. So, eh, thanks."

"Wow, I can just feel the sincerity rolling off you," Zayn teases.

"What would you have me do? Get on my knees?" Louis snorts.

"Well, if you're offering," Zayn's tone full of innuendo, "Who am I to decline?"

And Louis is so glad for the rapidly darkening sky for he walked right into that one and can't seem to stop blushing. Suddenly the hand trapped under Zayn's feels clammy and hot and wow, what is he - _Virgin Mary_?

"I knew it!" Louis mock-screams, "I knew you were after my virtue! That's it, we are sleeping in different rooms from now on."

Louis revels in how easily he can talk about such a thing, when if it had only been a month ago he would have been unable to even utter these words without feeling the blemish of John burning in his mind.

"We're not even together and you're already sending me to the dog house?" Zayn fakes a hurt sob, causing Louis to bark out a laugh.

He can almost pretend the sudden tension has dissipated if not for the fact that Zayn's hand had tightened on his. Or maybe he's just delusional with his senses going hyper and haywire. Because, see, Louis is not ashamed to admit (well, not to himself at least) that Zayn is fit. He really is fucking fit and coupled with how they have been constantly in such close proximity for two weeks now, it's hardly a wonder his body keeps trying to betray him. In favour of flinging itself at Zayn. The almost-girly eyelashes, the cutting cheekbones, the pouty lips and _oh_ , the scruff lining his cheeks - it all does a little something for Louis. In fact, he is soon discovering that he has an actual _thing_ for Zayn's facial hair. It's really quite amazing how the shadow thickens by night time only to have completely disappeared by breakfast. He is starting to think Zayn carries a razor around in his pocket. Nevertheless, Louis would really to feel those prickles scratching against his cheeks, his chest and on his thighs -

He doesn't even realise he has been staring hungrily at Zayn for the past couple of minutes until the car jerks to a stop. Zayn turns towards him and he quickly blushes, looking away pointedly.

"Let's stop here for tonight? We can try to make a fire for once and put those marshmallows you insisted on buying to use," Zayn says, smiling crookedly. Louis wonders if he'll ever get over the way Zayn talks - there's always such a caring lilt to his voice, a sleepy softness that worms its way into every heart it meets.

And Louis really shouldn't be walking down that path, _stop it, you dick_ goes through his mind several times before he replies with a nervous laugh, "Yeah...yeah. That should be easy. I can practically set fire to anything, even the toaster. And wow, okay, that makes me sound like a pyromaniac but I'm just really bad - or good, if you look at it that way - with fires. They just spontaneously erupt around m - "

Zayn looks at Louis like he is his own personal brand of _mad_. Louis might possibly agree, what with how he can't seem to shut his gob.

"Lou, shut up."

Louis registers the nickname and an absolutely foolish grin makes its way onto his face. He beams once Zayn has left the car and bounds out too to help Zayn bring the supplies from the trunk, not even caring that he probably looks a little maniac.

Once they get settled on the sire of the road - and it's some kind of really sparse field that Zayn has found them - Louis turns to Zayn, saying, "Now, go be a big burly man and get us some wood to light up." He pats Zayn's chest and while it's a little hesitant at first, he continues patting until Zayn clears his throat. And oh, okay, _breathe_. It makes him feel slightly light-headed to feel Zayn's beating heart underneath his palm but it's. It's sort of _okay_. It feels like a long time coming - this touching that is so different from all the other times. Because all of that - the drunken handsiness, the sharing of beds, the hugs during panic attacks - seem to have been pointing towards this all along.

Louis sees the shift in Zayn's eyes, how they glint a little different as his hand stills on the shirt-covered chest, and how they darken before Zayn says, "Yeah? What will I get in return?"

It sends a shiver spiking up Louis' spine - how Zayn's voice is all low and husky and such a cliché, but not really. Louis thinks he should back off, before he does something monumentally stupid like _tear at Zayn's clothes_.

"I'll free you black and burnt snores, all with my precious hand. It's such an honour, really," he jokes, pulling away and managing to drag out a disbelieving laugh from Zayn.

"Yeah, I much prefer not having indigestion on the road, thanks. Actually wait. That might be a good idea after all, you'll have to do all the work then," Zayn says gleefully.

Louis gasps. "You wouldn't!"

"Oh, but I would," Zayn says, looking serious for all his worth and they only just manage to stare at each other for a few deck as before both are gasping for air, doubled over and clutching at their stomachs. It really isn't that funny but somehow that doesn't matter anymore. Not when they are smiling at each other like there's no tomorrow, not when Zayn is slinging an arm over Louis' shoulder like it belongs there, and definitely not when Louis fits against Zayn's side like a missing puzzle piece.

xx

It's almost been an hour when they finally get a fire started after a fiasco involving twigs, dried leaves and Zayn's lighter, and they are finally settled on top of their sleeping bags with marshmallows roasting. It feels a little magical with the stars above happily twinkling, Zayn's face glowing softly and the fire cackling every few seconds.

It's slightly chilly out and the boys use that as an excuse to sit shoulder to shoulder, knee to knee - huddled together under the lone quilt Zayn had stashed in his trunk. And this feels. This feels alright, Louis thinks. More than alright. It's comfortable and safe, and new and exciting all at the same time. He is tucked under Zayn's arm that is slung over his shoulder carelessly and it's at times like these that Louis really likes being small.

Zayn's thumb is rubbing circles on his collarbone and it feels like that spot might be burning hotter than the fire before them. He wonders if Zayn feels the same way about the hand Louis has placed on his thigh. His throat feels dry even after biting on melted marshmallows, muscles clenching around unasked questions.

"I never asked why are yo - we - you going to Glasgow?" Louis asks softly, mentally slapping himself for stuttering like a fool.

" _We_ are going there because a friend of mine lives there. He's Irish actually but then he came to Bradford when he was six and then shifted to Scotland when we were fifteen. His dad's work forces them to travel a lot. Anyway, that year I forced my parents to go visit them because you know, childhood best friends and all and I couldn't drive then. And so Niall and I then made a pact to meet up every year at this place we found - it's amazing, Lou, like it's this ruins of a castle, you'll love it. And so, at this place, we'll meet up every year and just. Just catch up, I guess. I immediately learned to drive when I came back and bugged my parents to get me this car that they were just hoarding. My dad's a bit of a vehicle junkie," Zayn finishes softly, his face sporting a content smile.

"I thought the point of pacts is to be on middle-ground, maintain neutrality or whatever," Louis says.

"Yeah, no...you have weird notions. I like that place and I like making this trip. It's...it's also a 'thank you' of sorts? For all the times Niall supported me in school. So I don't want to trouble him, even though he'd do it in a heartbeat - even procure a driving license from somewhere - if I asked to meet somewhere halfway," Zayn laughs the words out. "It's nice this way. I like the peace and quiet of a road trip."

Louis gives him a measured look, before saying, his voice small, "I'm sorry for disrupting all tha - "

"No," Zayn cuts him off, "I'm glad I met you."

They are quiet for a while before Louis coos, "Aww, look at you. Getting all sappy over me." He proceeds to squish Zayn's cheeks together with sticky hands that has Zayn laughing and shoving him off playfully.

The quilt slips off of Louis' shoulders as he tumbles to the ground and he gets goosebumps from a particularly cold gust of wind. He picks himself up, already launching at Zayn in retaliation with peals of laughter rolling of his lips. They bat at each other, Louis going in for nipple pinches and Zayn for tickle attacks. They get dirt on their clothes as they roll of their sleeping bays as Zayn tries to flip Louis over, but they don't care. They don't care that they are getting increasingly dirty, or that it really is quite fucking cold now that they aren't close to the fire.

And just as Zayn sort of gives up fighting and Louis lets his guard down, the younger boy flips them over and promptly sits on Louis. He starts to grin and to hunch forward slightly from all the exertion until _oh_. His hazel eyes jump to Louis' embarrassed ones now and it suddenly feels like the air around them is literally charged - pumped full of little buzzing electrons. Louis feels mortified and a little miffed when Zayn experimentally presses down his hips and rolls a bit, because fuck, if he keeps doing that Louis' _semi_ will go straight to rock-hard. He wishes he could understand what Zayn's expression means and why keeps pressing down on him like _that_ and seriously, he's going to push Zayn off.

Except.

He feels Zayn's semi too. And okay. Louis' brain might possibly be short-circuiting but that's nothing life threatening... _right_?

Zayn leans down further until all Louis can see are the golds and flashing greens of his huge eyes. Everything other than Zayn, Zayn and _Zayn_ gets peeled away from Louis' vision. There's only a sliver of spade left between their lips now and the realization makes Louis' breath hitch _just as_ Zayn closes even that gap.

For all the build-up that has led to this moment, it's a strangely chaste kiss. Chaste but intimate, like a special secret, and with eyes closed to savour the moment. Zayn's lips are incredibly soft against Louis' and Louis thinks this might possibly be the best place to stay in forever. Zayn pulls away slowly, lips a little bit caught with Louis' and they blink open their eyes. Their eyes are twin mirrors of cloudiness, slightly dazed expressions gracing their faces. Zayn pecks Louis' lips one, twice and another time and Louis ends up chasing his lips on the last go, head lifting from ground.

  
They finally pull back from each other and just. _Smile_.

**Author's Note:**

> so, umm
> 
> hope you guys enjoyed that! :)
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr~](http://www.zouislights.tumblr.com/)


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